Today Piper and I had a very lazy day. She is still getting up about 4 times at night, and last night she woke up at 5am and was up until 7am. I am so tired! I seriously feel like we did the night we brought her home, you know when your so tired your eyes don't focus. Ugh. So once I got her back down around 7am, we slept until 9, and then we were up until noon. At noon we got in bed together, and she woke me up at 3:30! Haha poor thing must have been so tired, and so was I. I still woke up super sleepy though. I hope we are getting to the end of this wakeful nonsense, but I don't think we are. Tonight she was looking very sleepy at 6pm, so I started bedtime routine, she had a bath, a boob, a book, and then a bottle and was so sleepy, but she just could not fall asleep. I started singing to her and she just started cracking up. What a goof.
Not hearing from you for so long is starting to feel surreal. I know that is a weird way of saying it, but that's the best word I can think of. I don't know if it's like my minds way of making it easier, or maybe I'm just going insane, but it's almost like you don't exists. No offense... I'm not stalking my cell phone anymore, or continuously thinking about what you are doing. I think maybe I'm coming to terms with the fact that you are gone.
I feel like I've almost went through the grieving steps when you told me you were leaving. I started out being in shock and went straight to denial. The whole day you were here on Thursday last week, I think I was pretending you weren't leaving. We walked around like it was any other day, for the most part. I think even as I was driving you to the airport, it still had not really set in. I know I started crying before we left the house, but I don't feel like I really understood you were leaving. Standing in line at the ticket counter was awful. I felt like I needed to be strong because I was holding Piper, and no one wants to see a Mom crying while holding their baby. Anyway, move on the bargaining- I knew that wouldn't work, so I guess I skipped this step. Guilt, yep, see first post in this blog. I definitely went through guilt. I still feel awful about some of the fights we had last year, and early this year. I'm so sorry. Anger/Depression all kicked in about 2 days ago. I don't know if I was angry at all, but I was/am definitely depressed. I'm depressed that you're gone, depressed that I'm living here at my mom's, depressed that I'm over-weight. I'm a big ball of depressed. I am starting to feel like crying is the new smiling. (I'm hoping the Zoloft takes care of some of this). And now there is Hope/Acceptance, I think that is where I am at now. I am very hopeful about the future. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I keep thinking about buying a house, I want to have a place that is ours, somewhere for Piper to grow up, and make memories in. I want a large enough yard to get a garden going again. I want lots of veggies and spices, and some fruit too. I want a nice big kitchen to cook in, and a pantry! I want a separate dinning room, and at least 3 bedrooms, other than that, I have no requests. Oh, and a garage! I want to paint the walls, do the landscaping, and buy all new furniture! I can't wait to do these things with you, I'm so excited! I think I'll even let you build more benches....after we buy a new patio set.
I wish I could ask you what you see in our future, but we will save that for a different day. I really hope to hear from you soon. I've noticed you haven't spent any money lately, so I'm assuming you are on the ship? I really wish you would call. I missed 3 calls from unknown numbers today, but I'm assuming you would have left a message right? You better leave a message if I miss your call.
I miss you so much Bredin!
Love,
Mari-Cait and Piper
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