It's been 3 days since I dropped you off at the airport. I still am not sure that it has hit me that you're gone. I feel pretty empty right now. I feel like your truck is mocking me, just sitting there on the street, like you're here, but I know you're not. I thought that you only having 24 hours notice was a good thing, like you said "ripping off a band-aid". I know now, that it didn't make it easier, it just delayed emotions. It has gotten more real, over the past 3 days, that you are gone.
On the drive home from the airport all I could think about is how I never told you how proud I was that you are doing this. When we found out I was pregnant I was so sure that I would be okay with you being gone for long periods of time, but I never thought to ask you how you felt about it. It must be so hard to not be with Piper, she is growing so fast! Are you okay with this? How are you feeling about it? I'm sorry I never asked, and I'm sorry I never told you how incredibly proud I am to be your wife.
I wish I could take back all the silly fights we had over the past year. Being pregnant, fat, and hot, is just not a good combination. Add to it the pressure of unsteady finances, the whole living situation, and me not working. What a recipe for disaster, it's a wonder we didn't kill each other.
I feel like I should be more supportive of your dreams when you come home. I may not agree that we need to build a house out of shipping containers, and make it Zombie proof, but who I am to crush that dream of yours? I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about wanting to build your own skateboard, and how long it took you to build the benches...or, the bench. I guess in the long run, it really didn't matter that the garage was filled with random pieces of wood that you collected on Craigslist.
I think our biggest problem right now is that we still don't completely understand each other. I am a clean freak, and I fold my underwear. I can't stand it when things are out of place. You are a slob. I guess I should have known that from the get-go when I had to climb over piles of laundry and bags of fast food to get to your bed the first night we kissed. I think it was easy for me to ask you to change, but so hard for me to understand why you wouldn't. People develop habits so easily, but they are so hard to break. You were a slob for 30 years, and I was asking you to become a neat freak over night. You never asked me to change.
That is something that I can not say true for anyone else in my life. No one has ever truly accepted me for me, until I met you. My mom will never stop pushing me to be who she wants me to be. It's like no matter what I want to do, and what I am proud of, she could care less until it's what she wants me to do. My sister, although things are better now, also never accepted that I was different than her. I still can't believe that we came out of the same womb. All of my previous relationships, there was always something that I needed to change, my hair, my body, my personality, the way I brushed my teeth... the list goes on and on. I can not think of one thing that you have ever asked me to change. I love you for that, and maybe I need to start accepting you, the slob that you are.
Anyway, I've been rambling for a while now. I am going to try to write once a day, in hopes of printing these off and mailing them to you at some point. I hate that I have not spoken to you in 3 days. I miss you so much, and I know Piper does too. I thought I could get through this whole thing without tearing up, but they just started flowing. I hope that you are safe, and comfortable, and I hope you know we love you!
With all our deepest love,
Mari-Cait and Piper
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