Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I do love you
Bredin,
It actually breaks my heart to hear that you were questioning my love for you. I can't believe I let you go away for 7 months with you not knowing if you were coming home to a wife that loved you. How sad. I really hope that I am in a better place when you come home. I'm sorry Bredin.
I do love you, and I do love us. I just really miss the old us, and I don't know how to get that back. I fell in love with you because you were driven, and creative, and spontaneous, and just so fun to be around. I feel like you changed so much when I got pregnant. It was like all of a sudden life got serious, but you got lazy. I don't think you understand how frustrating it was to watch you sit on the couch all.day.long. It was depressing. I felt like no matter how many times I told you how upsetting it was, you just didn't hear me, but I should never has used the words I used with you to get my point across.
When you come home, we need to work together to live harmoniously. I love cleaning, and taking care of the house, and cooking, and baking, but I see RED when I spend my time doing these things, only for you to leave your clothes on the floor, or not offer to help with the dishes, or not even think thank me for it. You always wanted me to thank you when you did the littlest thing, but it didn't ever occur to you to thank me for what I did every day. You have to realize that that was frustrating.
I think that this time apart is going to be very helpful. And these letters are helping us to get our thoughts out without yelling or fighting, and it forces us to listen to each other. I think every couple should write each other letters once in a while.
For the next couple of days, I want to tell you some things about me that you might not know, or might not have taken seriously, so here goes.
I respect you.
I hope you are having a great day, and a safe night,
Mari-Cait
It actually breaks my heart to hear that you were questioning my love for you. I can't believe I let you go away for 7 months with you not knowing if you were coming home to a wife that loved you. How sad. I really hope that I am in a better place when you come home. I'm sorry Bredin.
I do love you, and I do love us. I just really miss the old us, and I don't know how to get that back. I fell in love with you because you were driven, and creative, and spontaneous, and just so fun to be around. I feel like you changed so much when I got pregnant. It was like all of a sudden life got serious, but you got lazy. I don't think you understand how frustrating it was to watch you sit on the couch all.day.long. It was depressing. I felt like no matter how many times I told you how upsetting it was, you just didn't hear me, but I should never has used the words I used with you to get my point across.
When you come home, we need to work together to live harmoniously. I love cleaning, and taking care of the house, and cooking, and baking, but I see RED when I spend my time doing these things, only for you to leave your clothes on the floor, or not offer to help with the dishes, or not even think thank me for it. You always wanted me to thank you when you did the littlest thing, but it didn't ever occur to you to thank me for what I did every day. You have to realize that that was frustrating.
I think that this time apart is going to be very helpful. And these letters are helping us to get our thoughts out without yelling or fighting, and it forces us to listen to each other. I think every couple should write each other letters once in a while.
For the next couple of days, I want to tell you some things about me that you might not know, or might not have taken seriously, so here goes.
I respect you.
I hope you are having a great day, and a safe night,
Mari-Cait
From Bredin to Mari-Cait
May 21, 2011
Hey baby!
I want to start by saying that I got your blog letters, and I hate you for making me tear up in front of people I work with! Not cool! I am so glad you said the things that you did. In my time out here, I have a lot of time to think of my life and where I am heading(too much time), and the only thing I wasn’t sure of was how you really felt about not just me, but about us. I wish you had said these things before I left, but am glad you let me know. I knew that most of the bad stuff you said was due to life stresses, and was in the heat of the moment, but it really feels good to know you didn’t really mean them. I love you so much and I think… no, know that you are a beautiful person, even if, at times, you don’t think so.
I am looking forward to coming home to you, and letting our love grow and mature. Remember that being there for each other isn’t just about having our affairs in order. It’s also about supporting each other in everything that we do, and speaking gently to one another, especially when we are upset, because harsh words almost never solve problems so much as make the current ones seem worse. Hopefully, through our ordeals over the past year, we will have a much more clear perspective of our hopes and dreams as individuals, as well as, as a family.
As far as my safety is concerned; you don’t have to worry about anything. We are far away from any areas that may pose a risk, we wouldn’t be targets anyhow, but we do have an excellent security force on board. I’m actually talking to people about getting on with the security detail, though that is the responsibility of deck department and not supply. We’ll see though. But like I said; no need to worry baby.
We had a rough couple of days! Lots of overtime. ______________. I feel like I lost like 10 pounds! We even worked through lunch! Supply, who doesn’t usually work on evolutions like that, got volunteered to help out, so most of them were pissed. But like I said, we got about 10 hours of overtime! Plus with our assistance the 3 day evolution was finished in 2. The cargo mate, who is the head officer in charge(and reminds me of a curly haired Bradley Cooper) gave us a special thanks, and offered to write letters of commendation for everyone in supply who helped out. We may even get a cash reward if the CO approves it, because we helped save MSC at least $200,000 or so(just spitballing, but it’s a lot of $).
Hopefully you get to read this. If you do, then the world hasn’t come to an end today! LOL!
Talk to you later baby!
Love,
Bredin
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hey hon!
I''m so glad that you got to have a BBQ! How fun! It sounds like you have been very busy, and working hard, I'm so proud of you. Things here are getting crazy now that classes have started. I'm taking one online class, and then Anatomy and Physiology in person all day on Saturdays! My mom will have Piper for 8 hours on Saturday, and I'm going to miss her so very much. I have to figure out how I'm going to pump at school, because I will be there all day. Then on Sundays I'm taking Tessa to puppy school, to calm her butt down. I got her a new collar, and she is doing so much better on walks. I've gotten to the point where I can take Piper in the Ergo, and Tessa on the leash, and walk calmly. Soon I am going to try to tie Tessa to the stroller, and take her on the longer walk.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately, and how much you are missing out on with Piper. It is truly breaking my heart Bredin. I really hope that I can have my Lactation Certification by next April, so you can get a different job, and be home with us for good. I can't even think about the reality of you leaving every year for 7 months. It is so unfair that you don't get to be with Piper as she grows. I'm not trying to be a sappy, but it has been on my mind a lot lately.
She is getting so big! She is too long for all her clothes now, and too skinny for the next size, so I am having a lot of trouble finding her things to wear. She is rolling all over the place, front to back, back to front, side to side. She can hold onto the couch for about ten minutes and stand up! She is saying Mama, and it is the most wonderful sound in the world! She doesn't quit know who Mama is yet, but she can say it! Every day I show her a picture of you and we practice saying Dada, so she is getting close on that too. She can give raspberries, and mimics me when I give them to her! I fall deeper in love with her everyday!
I have to get back to school work before Piper gets up, so I will talk to you more tomorrow!
I love you so very much,
Mari-Cait and Piper
I''m so glad that you got to have a BBQ! How fun! It sounds like you have been very busy, and working hard, I'm so proud of you. Things here are getting crazy now that classes have started. I'm taking one online class, and then Anatomy and Physiology in person all day on Saturdays! My mom will have Piper for 8 hours on Saturday, and I'm going to miss her so very much. I have to figure out how I'm going to pump at school, because I will be there all day. Then on Sundays I'm taking Tessa to puppy school, to calm her butt down. I got her a new collar, and she is doing so much better on walks. I've gotten to the point where I can take Piper in the Ergo, and Tessa on the leash, and walk calmly. Soon I am going to try to tie Tessa to the stroller, and take her on the longer walk.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately, and how much you are missing out on with Piper. It is truly breaking my heart Bredin. I really hope that I can have my Lactation Certification by next April, so you can get a different job, and be home with us for good. I can't even think about the reality of you leaving every year for 7 months. It is so unfair that you don't get to be with Piper as she grows. I'm not trying to be a sappy, but it has been on my mind a lot lately.
She is getting so big! She is too long for all her clothes now, and too skinny for the next size, so I am having a lot of trouble finding her things to wear. She is rolling all over the place, front to back, back to front, side to side. She can hold onto the couch for about ten minutes and stand up! She is saying Mama, and it is the most wonderful sound in the world! She doesn't quit know who Mama is yet, but she can say it! Every day I show her a picture of you and we practice saying Dada, so she is getting close on that too. She can give raspberries, and mimics me when I give them to her! I fall deeper in love with her everyday!
I have to get back to school work before Piper gets up, so I will talk to you more tomorrow!
I love you so very much,
Mari-Cait and Piper
From Bredin to Mari-Cait
Hey there hot stuff!
Things are going pretty quickly here. I can’t believe it’s almost been a month since I’ve been gone! My job has been undergoing an interesting morphing process. I am now a _______, and got to use that by helping with moving weapons around (bombs, missiles, rockets, and bullets and whatnot). We went by the _______ the other day, and I saw quite a few fishermen doing their work old school in tiny(15 ft.) outrigger canoes. Pretty cool huh?
We have been working 7 days a week since we’ve pulled out which Is some of the main reason it’s been going by so fast. I get some good off time as well. They don’t want us to get burned out and all. Which brings me to the steel beach picnic we had the other day. After the work day ended, the ship’s stewards had set up a barbecue picnic up on the flight deck(its on the fantail) and we had ribeye steak, barbecue chicken, ribs, coleslaw, beans, and the whole shebang. The only thing missing was cold beers and cornhole! When the sun had set they had games like mini-golf, a wannabe cornhole set, and even a dunk tank. there are a lot of people who have purchased remote control helicopters in ______, and they had made up a vert-rep game. Someone made a wooden aircraft carrier and a wooden ________. They took turns taking off from the _____, landing on the carrier, and then returning to the original ship. The guy who won it had a different toy helicopter that he had from the states. It was pretty high tech and handled remarkably better than the cheap Chinese rip offs everyone else had!
There are not many things to do here on the ship, but I’ve found that my favorite thing to do is sit on the 04 level at night. There’s a great view of the flight deck on the back, and the moon is usually in view and lights everything in sight up. There are chairs set up there, and I like to sit and watch the ocean and think of you and Piper. I can’t wait till we are all back together and can take a nice vacation somewhere(maybe New Mexico ?).
Much Love,
Bredin
Saturday, May 14, 2011
From Bredin to Mari-Cait
Sunday, May 5, 2011
Happy Mother's Day Baby!
I hope this day finds you healthy and happy. I had a rough
day yesterday, but it was sun too. My new assignment for unreps(underway
replenishments) is ________, and I got to get some ojt
for that yesterday. About thirty minutes into the unrep I started to get
heat exhaustion. This was due to, in my opinion, my body being weakened
by fighting off the smallpox vaccination, and also fighting off the
cough/flu that I have now too. Also, someone told me that we were about
5 degrees away from the equator, so the heat was.... Unbearable. As I
got more lightheaded, I asked someone to take over the phone for me, and
I went inside. No more than a few seconds after I walked into the
hangar, I had to lie down on the deck to keep from passing out. Whoo!,
that was unnerving. I ran my hands under some cool water after I got up,
and was feeling better pretty quickly. So, I drank about a gallon of
water and went back out to work again. The rest of the time was
fortunately uneventful. Though, I did have a headache from dehydration
for the rest of the day. I have been drinking a LOT more water now. So,
don't worry about that.
One thing that was really enjoyable out of that experience was there
were flying fish popping up all over the place between us and the other
ship as we went along. They were a welcome distraction from the
oppressive heat. Does Piper have a passport? We will be pulling in for
like a three week shipyard period, and it would be great if you could
get a buddy pass to where we are and have a mini- vacation. I can't tell
you when, or where, due to operational security, but I'll let you know
as soon as we're there. That is, if you want to, or can do that. If you
do, start making plans soon. I hope you can! I've been told there are
some great tours, and snorkeling, and all kinds of things to do.
I'm disappointed that I didn't have time to do something special for you
on this mother's day, but I will send you and your mother something nice
soon.
I love you so much,
and hope you have a wonderful day!
TTYL!
p.s. write me back soon! I'd love to hear what you're up to. Even if you
think it's mundane.
Happy Mother's Day Baby!
I hope this day finds you healthy and happy. I had a rough
day yesterday, but it was sun too. My new assignment for unreps(underway
replenishments) is ________, and I got to get some ojt
for that yesterday. About thirty minutes into the unrep I started to get
heat exhaustion. This was due to, in my opinion, my body being weakened
by fighting off the smallpox vaccination, and also fighting off the
cough/flu that I have now too. Also, someone told me that we were about
5 degrees away from the equator, so the heat was.... Unbearable. As I
got more lightheaded, I asked someone to take over the phone for me, and
I went inside. No more than a few seconds after I walked into the
hangar, I had to lie down on the deck to keep from passing out. Whoo!,
that was unnerving. I ran my hands under some cool water after I got up,
and was feeling better pretty quickly. So, I drank about a gallon of
water and went back out to work again. The rest of the time was
fortunately uneventful. Though, I did have a headache from dehydration
for the rest of the day. I have been drinking a LOT more water now. So,
don't worry about that.
One thing that was really enjoyable out of that experience was there
were flying fish popping up all over the place between us and the other
ship as we went along. They were a welcome distraction from the
oppressive heat. Does Piper have a passport? We will be pulling in for
like a three week shipyard period, and it would be great if you could
get a buddy pass to where we are and have a mini- vacation. I can't tell
you when, or where, due to operational security, but I'll let you know
as soon as we're there. That is, if you want to, or can do that. If you
do, start making plans soon. I hope you can! I've been told there are
some great tours, and snorkeling, and all kinds of things to do.
I'm disappointed that I didn't have time to do something special for you
on this mother's day, but I will send you and your mother something nice
soon.
I love you so much,
and hope you have a wonderful day!
TTYL!
p.s. write me back soon! I'd love to hear what you're up to. Even if you
think it's mundane.
From Bredin to Mari-Cait
Hey baby!
All is going well here. The trip out to Dubai was very uneventful, which
is good I suppose. Never did get that first class seat tho, which sucks,
cause they looked pretty swank! The hotel in Dubai where I stayed, the
_____, was friggin sweet! four star all the way! You can
check it out online. Just look for the ______ Dubai on google.
Their soap smelled really good. Also their restaurant... well, they had
like five, but I ate at... I forget, but they had a sushi buffet which I
thought was gonna be so so. Turns out that it was probably the best I've
ever eaten.
I left for the ship at 8 a.m. on a little bus with 5 other
people. It was a ____ drive to (I'll probably misspell this______. What a bleak countryside! Nothing but desert that turned into
mountains. There were only varying hues of brown and brownish green that
only changed when the iron content in certain hills/mountains stained
the land an old rust color. Despite all of that, there was new
construction everywhere. And, not just any old housing developments;
these looked like homes for the elite class. There seems to be a lot of
optimism for growth out there.
When we arrived at the ship, everyone was off of the boat(in
port for one day) in the one place they could go; a little strip mall in
the port with 5 stores selling the same things. That is where we had our
wonderful conversation on the phone. So, I bought some essentials and
got back to the boat.
Our first day out to sea, I saw a pod of whales! Humpbacks,
I think. Since then it's been pretty much the same routine every day.
There is actually an elevator on the boat, which I think is crazy! I
only take the stairs though, which has me walking up about fifty flights
per day. I'm gonna have some rock hard buns for you to pinch when I get
back!
Well, I have to go now. It's just turning seven now(been up since five)
so I'm gonna have breakfast, and get to work.
Miss you sooo much!
Love and kisses
All is going well here. The trip out to Dubai was very uneventful, which
is good I suppose. Never did get that first class seat tho, which sucks,
cause they looked pretty swank! The hotel in Dubai where I stayed, the
_____, was friggin sweet! four star all the way! You can
check it out online. Just look for the ______ Dubai on google.
Their soap smelled really good. Also their restaurant... well, they had
like five, but I ate at... I forget, but they had a sushi buffet which I
thought was gonna be so so. Turns out that it was probably the best I've
ever eaten.
I left for the ship at 8 a.m. on a little bus with 5 other
people. It was a ____ drive to (I'll probably misspell this______. What a bleak countryside! Nothing but desert that turned into
mountains. There were only varying hues of brown and brownish green that
only changed when the iron content in certain hills/mountains stained
the land an old rust color. Despite all of that, there was new
construction everywhere. And, not just any old housing developments;
these looked like homes for the elite class. There seems to be a lot of
optimism for growth out there.
When we arrived at the ship, everyone was off of the boat(in
port for one day) in the one place they could go; a little strip mall in
the port with 5 stores selling the same things. That is where we had our
wonderful conversation on the phone. So, I bought some essentials and
got back to the boat.
Our first day out to sea, I saw a pod of whales! Humpbacks,
I think. Since then it's been pretty much the same routine every day.
There is actually an elevator on the boat, which I think is crazy! I
only take the stairs though, which has me walking up about fifty flights
per day. I'm gonna have some rock hard buns for you to pinch when I get
back!
Well, I have to go now. It's just turning seven now(been up since five)
so I'm gonna have breakfast, and get to work.
Miss you sooo much!
Love and kisses
Feeling sooooo tired!
Hey hun,
It has been so good to be able to email with you these past few days! It makes you being gone a lot easier when I can at least email you. How are things going out that way? If you are 13 hours away, you must be about as far away as you can get, so at least if you go any further, you'll be getting closer!
This has been a long week! I went to Va beach last weekend to take pictures of the storage unit for the insurance company...well, you packed that thing pretty tight, and I'm not going to be able to get in there without the help of some other people. So I'll be going back down there with my mom, and possibly be seeing if Dave or Mike can help out. I'm going to move everything to a new unit as well. Ugh, what a pain in the butt!
Also this week, me and Piper have been so lazy! We've been sleeping until around 11am everyday, and then not really doing much at all. She has been taking really long naps, so I've been taking them with her. I hope we are not sick! I think it might be related to the Zoloft or something. The last time I felt this tired was right before we found out we were pregnant with Pip, and since we know for a fact I'm not pregnant, it's got to be something else.
In other news, I signed Tessa up for Doggy training today! She will be going to hour long sessions for the next 6 Sundays! I hope that this will help her to not be such a spaz. Also, my classes for my Lactation Cert start on Saturday, so I will be having a busy next 8 weeks. I know that 8 weeks is going to fly by with Miss Piper, so I need to make sure I get my studying in. I'm also signing Piper up for swimming lessons that start in July! Busy busy!
I talked to your Mama last night. She misses you, and Piper, and me too. I think I might go down and visit for a while so her and Pip can get some more bonding in, now that Pip is a bit older. Maybe Rachael could fly down too! I would love to meet my sister in law at some point!
Anyway, I'm going to sleep soon, I'm not feeling to hot, and of course, I'm tired!
I'm going to copy in the emails you sent me so we have them all together and in order.
I love you bunches!
Mari-Cait and Piper
She loves her Puppy!
It has been so good to be able to email with you these past few days! It makes you being gone a lot easier when I can at least email you. How are things going out that way? If you are 13 hours away, you must be about as far away as you can get, so at least if you go any further, you'll be getting closer!
This has been a long week! I went to Va beach last weekend to take pictures of the storage unit for the insurance company...well, you packed that thing pretty tight, and I'm not going to be able to get in there without the help of some other people. So I'll be going back down there with my mom, and possibly be seeing if Dave or Mike can help out. I'm going to move everything to a new unit as well. Ugh, what a pain in the butt!
Also this week, me and Piper have been so lazy! We've been sleeping until around 11am everyday, and then not really doing much at all. She has been taking really long naps, so I've been taking them with her. I hope we are not sick! I think it might be related to the Zoloft or something. The last time I felt this tired was right before we found out we were pregnant with Pip, and since we know for a fact I'm not pregnant, it's got to be something else.
In other news, I signed Tessa up for Doggy training today! She will be going to hour long sessions for the next 6 Sundays! I hope that this will help her to not be such a spaz. Also, my classes for my Lactation Cert start on Saturday, so I will be having a busy next 8 weeks. I know that 8 weeks is going to fly by with Miss Piper, so I need to make sure I get my studying in. I'm also signing Piper up for swimming lessons that start in July! Busy busy!
I talked to your Mama last night. She misses you, and Piper, and me too. I think I might go down and visit for a while so her and Pip can get some more bonding in, now that Pip is a bit older. Maybe Rachael could fly down too! I would love to meet my sister in law at some point!
Anyway, I'm going to sleep soon, I'm not feeling to hot, and of course, I'm tired!
I'm going to copy in the emails you sent me so we have them all together and in order.
I love you bunches!
Mari-Cait and Piper
Friday, May 6, 2011
Going to Va beach!!!!
Hey hun,
So, it's been over a week since I have heard your voice. It feels so strange. I hope you will eventually be able to call me or email me so I know what's going on. I'm starting to think that the next time I will hear from you is 7 months from now when you need a ride home from the airport. I know that's not true, but it seems that way.
Piper is 5 months old today! That sounds so old to me. She was pretty cranky today, didn't nap very well, didn't want to play very much, so I postponed her 5 month photo shoot. Bedtime is getting harder and harder every night. It's taking about 3 hours to get little miss to bed, and it's killing me. I used to get from 8-11pm to myself, as much needed "Me" time, but now I spend that entire time trying to get Piper down, and then I am so tired, I just go to bed. I really could use some time to myself... She is sleeping on her side now! She has been for about a week. I think that is part of the issue, she gets on her side and then relaxes so much that she rolls to her back and it wakes her up. Then she gets mad, and Mommy has to help her back to sleep. It's a long process, but I know it will pass.
Anyway, tomorrow I am going to Virginia Beach! I have to take pictures of the storage unit for the insurance company, and Elise is having her graduation party from ODU! I'm going to stay with Ashley, so we will see how that goes. It feels weird to be going to Va Beach, but not going to our house. I almost want to knock on the door and be like "Hey, how much you want for this place"? I miss having our own house, and I wish Piper had her own room right now, but I know that this 7 months will fly by, and we will be buying a house in no time!
I'm really tired, and I'm getting up at 6am to drive down, so I'm going to cut it short tonight. I hope you are warm and comfortable Baby!
I love you,
Mari-Cait and Piper
So, it's been over a week since I have heard your voice. It feels so strange. I hope you will eventually be able to call me or email me so I know what's going on. I'm starting to think that the next time I will hear from you is 7 months from now when you need a ride home from the airport. I know that's not true, but it seems that way.
Piper is 5 months old today! That sounds so old to me. She was pretty cranky today, didn't nap very well, didn't want to play very much, so I postponed her 5 month photo shoot. Bedtime is getting harder and harder every night. It's taking about 3 hours to get little miss to bed, and it's killing me. I used to get from 8-11pm to myself, as much needed "Me" time, but now I spend that entire time trying to get Piper down, and then I am so tired, I just go to bed. I really could use some time to myself... She is sleeping on her side now! She has been for about a week. I think that is part of the issue, she gets on her side and then relaxes so much that she rolls to her back and it wakes her up. Then she gets mad, and Mommy has to help her back to sleep. It's a long process, but I know it will pass.
Anyway, tomorrow I am going to Virginia Beach! I have to take pictures of the storage unit for the insurance company, and Elise is having her graduation party from ODU! I'm going to stay with Ashley, so we will see how that goes. It feels weird to be going to Va Beach, but not going to our house. I almost want to knock on the door and be like "Hey, how much you want for this place"? I miss having our own house, and I wish Piper had her own room right now, but I know that this 7 months will fly by, and we will be buying a house in no time!
I'm really tired, and I'm getting up at 6am to drive down, so I'm going to cut it short tonight. I hope you are warm and comfortable Baby!
I love you,
Mari-Cait and Piper
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Lazy Day
Hey you,
Today Piper and I had a very lazy day. She is still getting up about 4 times at night, and last night she woke up at 5am and was up until 7am. I am so tired! I seriously feel like we did the night we brought her home, you know when your so tired your eyes don't focus. Ugh. So once I got her back down around 7am, we slept until 9, and then we were up until noon. At noon we got in bed together, and she woke me up at 3:30! Haha poor thing must have been so tired, and so was I. I still woke up super sleepy though. I hope we are getting to the end of this wakeful nonsense, but I don't think we are. Tonight she was looking very sleepy at 6pm, so I started bedtime routine, she had a bath, a boob, a book, and then a bottle and was so sleepy, but she just could not fall asleep. I started singing to her and she just started cracking up. What a goof.
Not hearing from you for so long is starting to feel surreal. I know that is a weird way of saying it, but that's the best word I can think of. I don't know if it's like my minds way of making it easier, or maybe I'm just going insane, but it's almost like you don't exists. No offense... I'm not stalking my cell phone anymore, or continuously thinking about what you are doing. I think maybe I'm coming to terms with the fact that you are gone.
I feel like I've almost went through the grieving steps when you told me you were leaving. I started out being in shock and went straight to denial. The whole day you were here on Thursday last week, I think I was pretending you weren't leaving. We walked around like it was any other day, for the most part. I think even as I was driving you to the airport, it still had not really set in. I know I started crying before we left the house, but I don't feel like I really understood you were leaving. Standing in line at the ticket counter was awful. I felt like I needed to be strong because I was holding Piper, and no one wants to see a Mom crying while holding their baby. Anyway, move on the bargaining- I knew that wouldn't work, so I guess I skipped this step. Guilt, yep, see first post in this blog. I definitely went through guilt. I still feel awful about some of the fights we had last year, and early this year. I'm so sorry. Anger/Depression all kicked in about 2 days ago. I don't know if I was angry at all, but I was/am definitely depressed. I'm depressed that you're gone, depressed that I'm living here at my mom's, depressed that I'm over-weight. I'm a big ball of depressed. I am starting to feel like crying is the new smiling. (I'm hoping the Zoloft takes care of some of this). And now there is Hope/Acceptance, I think that is where I am at now. I am very hopeful about the future. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I keep thinking about buying a house, I want to have a place that is ours, somewhere for Piper to grow up, and make memories in. I want a large enough yard to get a garden going again. I want lots of veggies and spices, and some fruit too. I want a nice big kitchen to cook in, and a pantry! I want a separate dinning room, and at least 3 bedrooms, other than that, I have no requests. Oh, and a garage! I want to paint the walls, do the landscaping, and buy all new furniture! I can't wait to do these things with you, I'm so excited! I think I'll even let you build more benches....after we buy a new patio set.
I wish I could ask you what you see in our future, but we will save that for a different day. I really hope to hear from you soon. I've noticed you haven't spent any money lately, so I'm assuming you are on the ship? I really wish you would call. I missed 3 calls from unknown numbers today, but I'm assuming you would have left a message right? You better leave a message if I miss your call.
I miss you so much Bredin!
Love,
Mari-Cait and Piper
Today Piper and I had a very lazy day. She is still getting up about 4 times at night, and last night she woke up at 5am and was up until 7am. I am so tired! I seriously feel like we did the night we brought her home, you know when your so tired your eyes don't focus. Ugh. So once I got her back down around 7am, we slept until 9, and then we were up until noon. At noon we got in bed together, and she woke me up at 3:30! Haha poor thing must have been so tired, and so was I. I still woke up super sleepy though. I hope we are getting to the end of this wakeful nonsense, but I don't think we are. Tonight she was looking very sleepy at 6pm, so I started bedtime routine, she had a bath, a boob, a book, and then a bottle and was so sleepy, but she just could not fall asleep. I started singing to her and she just started cracking up. What a goof.
Not hearing from you for so long is starting to feel surreal. I know that is a weird way of saying it, but that's the best word I can think of. I don't know if it's like my minds way of making it easier, or maybe I'm just going insane, but it's almost like you don't exists. No offense... I'm not stalking my cell phone anymore, or continuously thinking about what you are doing. I think maybe I'm coming to terms with the fact that you are gone.
I feel like I've almost went through the grieving steps when you told me you were leaving. I started out being in shock and went straight to denial. The whole day you were here on Thursday last week, I think I was pretending you weren't leaving. We walked around like it was any other day, for the most part. I think even as I was driving you to the airport, it still had not really set in. I know I started crying before we left the house, but I don't feel like I really understood you were leaving. Standing in line at the ticket counter was awful. I felt like I needed to be strong because I was holding Piper, and no one wants to see a Mom crying while holding their baby. Anyway, move on the bargaining- I knew that wouldn't work, so I guess I skipped this step. Guilt, yep, see first post in this blog. I definitely went through guilt. I still feel awful about some of the fights we had last year, and early this year. I'm so sorry. Anger/Depression all kicked in about 2 days ago. I don't know if I was angry at all, but I was/am definitely depressed. I'm depressed that you're gone, depressed that I'm living here at my mom's, depressed that I'm over-weight. I'm a big ball of depressed. I am starting to feel like crying is the new smiling. (I'm hoping the Zoloft takes care of some of this). And now there is Hope/Acceptance, I think that is where I am at now. I am very hopeful about the future. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I keep thinking about buying a house, I want to have a place that is ours, somewhere for Piper to grow up, and make memories in. I want a large enough yard to get a garden going again. I want lots of veggies and spices, and some fruit too. I want a nice big kitchen to cook in, and a pantry! I want a separate dinning room, and at least 3 bedrooms, other than that, I have no requests. Oh, and a garage! I want to paint the walls, do the landscaping, and buy all new furniture! I can't wait to do these things with you, I'm so excited! I think I'll even let you build more benches....after we buy a new patio set.
I wish I could ask you what you see in our future, but we will save that for a different day. I really hope to hear from you soon. I've noticed you haven't spent any money lately, so I'm assuming you are on the ship? I really wish you would call. I missed 3 calls from unknown numbers today, but I'm assuming you would have left a message right? You better leave a message if I miss your call.
I miss you so much Bredin!
Love,
Mari-Cait and Piper
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Mommy and Me movies
Hello my love,
Let me start by saying, I miss you like crazy! People keep asking how I'm holding up, and I just tear up, and smile. I don't think I've gone more than 2 hours without crying for the past 6 days. It's pretty pathetic.
Anyway, today I went to a Mommy and Me movie with Stephanie and Henry. We saw Water for Elephants! It was pretty cool, they turned up the lights, and down the sound, and everyone brings their babies! Haha! Piper and Henry were so cute watching the movie, although they were more interested in each other than the movie. There were probably about 40 moms and babies there, I was surprised. The movie was pretty good, but not as good as all the hoopla about it. I wouldn't pay to see it again, but I might rent it.
You will be happy to know, that today I filled the Rx for the anxiety meds. I know I know, it's been 5 months, but I am starting to feel like I really need them. Like I said, I have been crying so much, and I am getting so emotional about the whole breastfeeding thing, you being gone, my Dad, just a lot of things going on. So at the doctor appointment I had today, I asked for a new Rx, and I filled it tonight. I'm really hoping it helps. I'm so sick of laying in bed for 2 hours playing images of you getting killed, or me and Piper getting hurt some way. I'm even starting to have trouble driving. I can't change lanes with out checking my blind spot 9 or 10 times, and even then, as I change lanes my heart stops beating. I get these images of me crashing, and Piper being stuck in the backseat, and I can't get to her. It's awful, and sad. I don't want to live like this if I don't have to, so I am hopeful that these drugs will work.
Me and Pip had a long day today with the Movies, and Doctors appointments, then we went to Target to fill some prescriptions. Piper has been sleeping since 8, it's now 10, and I'm heading to bed as well.
I hope all is well with you. I miss you like crazy and can't wait to hear from you!
Lots of love and smooches,
Mari-Cait and Piper
Tummy Time Silly pants
Let me start by saying, I miss you like crazy! People keep asking how I'm holding up, and I just tear up, and smile. I don't think I've gone more than 2 hours without crying for the past 6 days. It's pretty pathetic.
Anyway, today I went to a Mommy and Me movie with Stephanie and Henry. We saw Water for Elephants! It was pretty cool, they turned up the lights, and down the sound, and everyone brings their babies! Haha! Piper and Henry were so cute watching the movie, although they were more interested in each other than the movie. There were probably about 40 moms and babies there, I was surprised. The movie was pretty good, but not as good as all the hoopla about it. I wouldn't pay to see it again, but I might rent it.
You will be happy to know, that today I filled the Rx for the anxiety meds. I know I know, it's been 5 months, but I am starting to feel like I really need them. Like I said, I have been crying so much, and I am getting so emotional about the whole breastfeeding thing, you being gone, my Dad, just a lot of things going on. So at the doctor appointment I had today, I asked for a new Rx, and I filled it tonight. I'm really hoping it helps. I'm so sick of laying in bed for 2 hours playing images of you getting killed, or me and Piper getting hurt some way. I'm even starting to have trouble driving. I can't change lanes with out checking my blind spot 9 or 10 times, and even then, as I change lanes my heart stops beating. I get these images of me crashing, and Piper being stuck in the backseat, and I can't get to her. It's awful, and sad. I don't want to live like this if I don't have to, so I am hopeful that these drugs will work.
Me and Pip had a long day today with the Movies, and Doctors appointments, then we went to Target to fill some prescriptions. Piper has been sleeping since 8, it's now 10, and I'm heading to bed as well.
I hope all is well with you. I miss you like crazy and can't wait to hear from you!
Lots of love and smooches,
Mari-Cait and Piper
Monday, May 2, 2011
Made a new friend!
Hey babe,
Today at Mom Group, there was a new Mama! She was so perky and happy, and just looked so relieved to have found a support group. About half way through group, I mentioned that I am dealing with Mastitis round 6!!! She came over and wanted to talk about her experience. Her baby is 9 weeks old, and she has mastitis so bad that her skin is peeling off of her breast! How crazy is that! I can't even imagine how painful that must be for her. Anyway, while we were chatting, she mentioned that her father had been in town, and it was difficult because he is almost 400 pounds! So we instantly clicked.
I don't think anyone can truly understand how heartbreaking it is to watch your own parent kill themself with food, unless you are experiencing it. Having my Dad around is so bitter sweet. I love his company, and getting to know him again, but it is just devastating to see him in this state. Remember, last Christmas he was 404 pounds, I bet he has packed on at least another 50 pounds. So sad. I wish I could some how motivate him, or help him, but I don't see that happening. I tried to have a conversation with him when he was here for Christmas, and he said he was going to try to loose the weight...that obviously didn't work out. I think the saddest part is not that he could die any day, but that he might live for another 20 years like this. Sigh. Anyway, I'm glad I met a new Mama that is going through similar things with her Dad. It's funny because he too has isolated himself from his family. He moved away, and she is the only one he speaks to now. It's like we have the same Dad or something. Crazy.
In other news, I have mastitis AGAIN! I actually went to the ER yesterday morning because I was in so much pain, my whole body was shaking. They did an ultrasound on my breast, and they said that my ducts are dilated too much. I'm not really sure what this means, but, it hurts. I have to go into a new OB tomorrow, and possibly try some penicillin. The ER doctor seemed to think that the one time I had a reaction to it isn't that big of a deal, and we could try it and see what happens. At this point, I'm willing to try anything! My supply is gone. I can not get even a drop out of my right side, and my left gives about 2oz. I am having to give Piper bottles from my freezer stash after every feed. Next week I will be out of frozen milk, so I will be switching to formula. The thought of watching her drink formula makes me want to puke. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. I can not get over feeling like my body is failing me, and I am failing Piper. Such a crappy feeling.
I hate that I haven't heard from you yet. Some special investigator call from the Navy today to ask about your location, or something. I didn't have any information for him, so I just told him I didn't know. I was confused, I thought they could just contact you? Then I thought maybe it was a test or something. I don't know, I wish I knew where you were.
We are all praying so hard for you, and hoping you are safe. From what the news is showing, things are pretty calm over there for the moment. Everyone is talking about how they will retaliate, so it is just so worrisome thinking how close you are. I hope you know that we are thinking about you, and missing you so very very much! Piper had such a sad little face earlier today, and I kept thinking it was because she missed her Daddy. We love you so so so so so much Bredin!
Your wife and baby,
Mari-Cait and Piper
This is Pip getting ready for a walk in her new stroller! She loves not being in the car seat!
Today at Mom Group, there was a new Mama! She was so perky and happy, and just looked so relieved to have found a support group. About half way through group, I mentioned that I am dealing with Mastitis round 6!!! She came over and wanted to talk about her experience. Her baby is 9 weeks old, and she has mastitis so bad that her skin is peeling off of her breast! How crazy is that! I can't even imagine how painful that must be for her. Anyway, while we were chatting, she mentioned that her father had been in town, and it was difficult because he is almost 400 pounds! So we instantly clicked.
I don't think anyone can truly understand how heartbreaking it is to watch your own parent kill themself with food, unless you are experiencing it. Having my Dad around is so bitter sweet. I love his company, and getting to know him again, but it is just devastating to see him in this state. Remember, last Christmas he was 404 pounds, I bet he has packed on at least another 50 pounds. So sad. I wish I could some how motivate him, or help him, but I don't see that happening. I tried to have a conversation with him when he was here for Christmas, and he said he was going to try to loose the weight...that obviously didn't work out. I think the saddest part is not that he could die any day, but that he might live for another 20 years like this. Sigh. Anyway, I'm glad I met a new Mama that is going through similar things with her Dad. It's funny because he too has isolated himself from his family. He moved away, and she is the only one he speaks to now. It's like we have the same Dad or something. Crazy.
In other news, I have mastitis AGAIN! I actually went to the ER yesterday morning because I was in so much pain, my whole body was shaking. They did an ultrasound on my breast, and they said that my ducts are dilated too much. I'm not really sure what this means, but, it hurts. I have to go into a new OB tomorrow, and possibly try some penicillin. The ER doctor seemed to think that the one time I had a reaction to it isn't that big of a deal, and we could try it and see what happens. At this point, I'm willing to try anything! My supply is gone. I can not get even a drop out of my right side, and my left gives about 2oz. I am having to give Piper bottles from my freezer stash after every feed. Next week I will be out of frozen milk, so I will be switching to formula. The thought of watching her drink formula makes me want to puke. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. I can not get over feeling like my body is failing me, and I am failing Piper. Such a crappy feeling.
I hate that I haven't heard from you yet. Some special investigator call from the Navy today to ask about your location, or something. I didn't have any information for him, so I just told him I didn't know. I was confused, I thought they could just contact you? Then I thought maybe it was a test or something. I don't know, I wish I knew where you were.
We are all praying so hard for you, and hoping you are safe. From what the news is showing, things are pretty calm over there for the moment. Everyone is talking about how they will retaliate, so it is just so worrisome thinking how close you are. I hope you know that we are thinking about you, and missing you so very very much! Piper had such a sad little face earlier today, and I kept thinking it was because she missed her Daddy. We love you so so so so so much Bredin!
Your wife and baby,
Mari-Cait and Piper
This is Pip getting ready for a walk in her new stroller! She loves not being in the car seat!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Osama Bin Laden
Bredin!
Oh my God! It just hit the news here in the States that Bin Laden has been killed! I can't help but think that this had something to do with your rapid deployment. I can't stand that I can't call you right now! I really hope that you are okay, and safe!
I know you can't give me any information about what you are doing/where you are, but I really hope everything is okay over there!
Love you so much! And praying sooo hard for you!
Your lovely wife,
Mari-Cait
Oh my God! It just hit the news here in the States that Bin Laden has been killed! I can't help but think that this had something to do with your rapid deployment. I can't stand that I can't call you right now! I really hope that you are okay, and safe!
I know you can't give me any information about what you are doing/where you are, but I really hope everything is okay over there!
Love you so much! And praying sooo hard for you!
Your lovely wife,
Mari-Cait
5/1/2011
Dear Bredin,
It's been 3 days since I dropped you off at the airport. I still am not sure that it has hit me that you're gone. I feel pretty empty right now. I feel like your truck is mocking me, just sitting there on the street, like you're here, but I know you're not. I thought that you only having 24 hours notice was a good thing, like you said "ripping off a band-aid". I know now, that it didn't make it easier, it just delayed emotions. It has gotten more real, over the past 3 days, that you are gone.
On the drive home from the airport all I could think about is how I never told you how proud I was that you are doing this. When we found out I was pregnant I was so sure that I would be okay with you being gone for long periods of time, but I never thought to ask you how you felt about it. It must be so hard to not be with Piper, she is growing so fast! Are you okay with this? How are you feeling about it? I'm sorry I never asked, and I'm sorry I never told you how incredibly proud I am to be your wife.
I wish I could take back all the silly fights we had over the past year. Being pregnant, fat, and hot, is just not a good combination. Add to it the pressure of unsteady finances, the whole living situation, and me not working. What a recipe for disaster, it's a wonder we didn't kill each other.
I feel like I should be more supportive of your dreams when you come home. I may not agree that we need to build a house out of shipping containers, and make it Zombie proof, but who I am to crush that dream of yours? I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about wanting to build your own skateboard, and how long it took you to build the benches...or, the bench. I guess in the long run, it really didn't matter that the garage was filled with random pieces of wood that you collected on Craigslist.
I think our biggest problem right now is that we still don't completely understand each other. I am a clean freak, and I fold my underwear. I can't stand it when things are out of place. You are a slob. I guess I should have known that from the get-go when I had to climb over piles of laundry and bags of fast food to get to your bed the first night we kissed. I think it was easy for me to ask you to change, but so hard for me to understand why you wouldn't. People develop habits so easily, but they are so hard to break. You were a slob for 30 years, and I was asking you to become a neat freak over night. You never asked me to change.
That is something that I can not say true for anyone else in my life. No one has ever truly accepted me for me, until I met you. My mom will never stop pushing me to be who she wants me to be. It's like no matter what I want to do, and what I am proud of, she could care less until it's what she wants me to do. My sister, although things are better now, also never accepted that I was different than her. I still can't believe that we came out of the same womb. All of my previous relationships, there was always something that I needed to change, my hair, my body, my personality, the way I brushed my teeth... the list goes on and on. I can not think of one thing that you have ever asked me to change. I love you for that, and maybe I need to start accepting you, the slob that you are.
Anyway, I've been rambling for a while now. I am going to try to write once a day, in hopes of printing these off and mailing them to you at some point. I hate that I have not spoken to you in 3 days. I miss you so much, and I know Piper does too. I thought I could get through this whole thing without tearing up, but they just started flowing. I hope that you are safe, and comfortable, and I hope you know we love you!
With all our deepest love,
Mari-Cait and Piper
It's been 3 days since I dropped you off at the airport. I still am not sure that it has hit me that you're gone. I feel pretty empty right now. I feel like your truck is mocking me, just sitting there on the street, like you're here, but I know you're not. I thought that you only having 24 hours notice was a good thing, like you said "ripping off a band-aid". I know now, that it didn't make it easier, it just delayed emotions. It has gotten more real, over the past 3 days, that you are gone.
On the drive home from the airport all I could think about is how I never told you how proud I was that you are doing this. When we found out I was pregnant I was so sure that I would be okay with you being gone for long periods of time, but I never thought to ask you how you felt about it. It must be so hard to not be with Piper, she is growing so fast! Are you okay with this? How are you feeling about it? I'm sorry I never asked, and I'm sorry I never told you how incredibly proud I am to be your wife.
I wish I could take back all the silly fights we had over the past year. Being pregnant, fat, and hot, is just not a good combination. Add to it the pressure of unsteady finances, the whole living situation, and me not working. What a recipe for disaster, it's a wonder we didn't kill each other.
I feel like I should be more supportive of your dreams when you come home. I may not agree that we need to build a house out of shipping containers, and make it Zombie proof, but who I am to crush that dream of yours? I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about wanting to build your own skateboard, and how long it took you to build the benches...or, the bench. I guess in the long run, it really didn't matter that the garage was filled with random pieces of wood that you collected on Craigslist.
I think our biggest problem right now is that we still don't completely understand each other. I am a clean freak, and I fold my underwear. I can't stand it when things are out of place. You are a slob. I guess I should have known that from the get-go when I had to climb over piles of laundry and bags of fast food to get to your bed the first night we kissed. I think it was easy for me to ask you to change, but so hard for me to understand why you wouldn't. People develop habits so easily, but they are so hard to break. You were a slob for 30 years, and I was asking you to become a neat freak over night. You never asked me to change.
That is something that I can not say true for anyone else in my life. No one has ever truly accepted me for me, until I met you. My mom will never stop pushing me to be who she wants me to be. It's like no matter what I want to do, and what I am proud of, she could care less until it's what she wants me to do. My sister, although things are better now, also never accepted that I was different than her. I still can't believe that we came out of the same womb. All of my previous relationships, there was always something that I needed to change, my hair, my body, my personality, the way I brushed my teeth... the list goes on and on. I can not think of one thing that you have ever asked me to change. I love you for that, and maybe I need to start accepting you, the slob that you are.
Anyway, I've been rambling for a while now. I am going to try to write once a day, in hopes of printing these off and mailing them to you at some point. I hate that I have not spoken to you in 3 days. I miss you so much, and I know Piper does too. I thought I could get through this whole thing without tearing up, but they just started flowing. I hope that you are safe, and comfortable, and I hope you know we love you!
With all our deepest love,
Mari-Cait and Piper
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